Funny Jokes For Kids Only

Funny Jokes For Kids Only Biography

Source Link (Google.com)
What should you do if you find a dinosaur in your bed?
(Find somewhere else to sleep!)
Did the dinosaur take a bath?
(Why, is there one missing?!)

How did the dinosaur feel after he ate a pillow?
(Down in the mouth!)

What do you need to know to teach a dinosaur tricks?
(More than the dinosaur!)

Where was the dinosaur when the sun went down?
(In the dark!)

Why didn't the dinosaur cross the road?
(There weren't any roads then!)

What is in the middle of dinosaurs?
(The letter "s"!)

Where do dinosaurs get their mail?
(At the dead-letter office!)

What's as big as a dinosaur but weighs nothing?
(Her shadow!)

What do you get when a dinosaur sneezes?
(Out of the way!)

How do you know if there's a dinosaur in your refrigerator?
(Look for footprints in the pizza!)

What happened when the dinosaur took the train home?
(She had to bring it back!)

Mitchell: Why did the Triceratops cross the road?
Robert: He didn't, the chicken crossed the road.
Mitchell: Well, why did the chicken cross the road?
Robert: To get away from the Triceratops!

How do you know if there's a dinosaur under your bed?
(Your nose hits the ceiling!)

Why was the dinosaur afraid of the ocean?
(Because there was something fishy about it!)

What do you call a dinosaur with one leg?
(Eileen!)

Mother: Why are you crying?
Daughter: Because I wanted to get a dinosaur for my baby brother.
Mother: That's no reason to cry.
Daughter: Yes it is! No one would trade me!

What was the scariest prehistoric animal?
(The Terror-dactyl!)

What has a spiked tail, plates on its back, and sixteen wheels?
(A Stegosaurus on roller skates!)

What do you call it when a dinosaur slides in to home plate?
(A dinoscore!)

What do you get if you cross a Triceratops with a kangaroo?
(A Tricera-hops!)

What do you get if you cross a pig with a dinosaur?
(Jurassic Pork!)

What family does T. rex belong to?
(I don't think any families in our neighborhood have one!)

What made the dinosaur's car stop?
(A flat Tire-annosaurus!)

What do you call a dinosaur that left its armor out in the rain?
(A Stegosau-rust!)

What type of tool does a prehistoric reptile carpenter use?
(A dino-saw!)

Who makes the best prehistoric reptile clothes?
(A dino-sewer!)

Which dinosaurs were the best policemen?
(Tricera-cops!)

What do you call a dinosaur who is elected to Congress?
(Rep. Tile!)

Where do prehistoric reptiles like to go on vacation?
(To the dino-shore!)

Where did Velociraptor buy things?
(At a dino-store!)

How do dinosaurs pay their bills?
(With Tyrannosaurus checks!)

Why did the Apatosaurus devour the factory?
(Because she was a plant eater!)

What is an Iguanodon's favorite playground toy?
(A dino-see-saur!)

What's worse than a giraffe with a sore throat?
(A Diplodocus with a sore throat!)

How much fur can you get from a dinosaur?
(As fur as you can get!)

Why do dinosaurs eat raw meat?
(Because they don't know how to cook!)

What did dinosaurs have that no others animals ever had?
(Baby dinosaurs!)

How many dinosaurs can fit in an empty box?
(One. After that, the box isn't empty anymore!)

How can you tell if there's a dinosaur in the refrigerator?
(The door won't close!)

How do you make a dinosaur float?
(Put a scoop of ice cream in a glass of root beer and add one dinosaur!)

Funny Jokes For Kids Only

Funny Jokes For Kids Only

Funny Jokes For Kids Only

Funny Jokes For Kids Only

Funny Jokes For Kids Only

Funny Jokes For Kids Only

Funny Jokes For Kids Only

Funny Jokes For Kids Only

Funny Jokes For Kids Only

Funny Jokes For Kids Only

Funny Jokes For Kids Only

Some Funny Jokes

Some Funny Jokes Biography

Source Link (Google.com)
An Economist beautifully explained two reasons for having two wives:
A - Monopoly should be broken
B- Competition improves the quality of service..
If you have one wife she fights with you, if you have two wives they will fight for you
Feel the difference and decide:
Disclaimer: We are not having such experience and not responsible for any side effects!

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Adam[man] and Eve[woman] were the first human beings in the world
one fine day eve asked Adam' do you love me'
Adam said 'do i have another choice'

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Male in the club Orders a Beer..

Female next To Him-
What A Co-incidence, Even I Have Ordered the same..

Man-I'm so Happy.

Female-Me too.

Man-Wat A Coincidence.

Lady-My Husband & I Have Tried 4Yrs For A Baby..
Today I'm Pregnant.

Man-Wat A Co-Incidence.
I Am A Farmer
From 4Yrs My Hens Were Infertile,
Today All Laying Eggs

Lady-Wow How Did That Happen?

Man- I Used A Different Cock.

Lady SMILED, & Said
WHAT A COINCIDENCE!!

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Why do cows have bells?
Because their horns don't work!
Submitted by Alysia Csengery

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They asked me Why wasn't Jesus born in Sydney?
Well, they couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

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To avoid getting entangles with child-labor laws, I have decided to appoint a child as a CEO.

Special ego massage, please!

You are right.. Minimalism did not make any sense to me until I began to bald!

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The kidnapers of your son sir! He says you've grossly undervalued your company to fix the random amount!

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Ask.. whatever you want, but don't ask me to walk my talk.

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Dad – Dear, I want you to marry a girl of my choice.
Son – no way..
Dad - She is the daughter of world's richest man.
Son – then its done.
Then his dad goes to that richest man..
Dad - I want your daughter to marry my son.
Rich man – nope
Dad: He is the COO of world bank.
Rich man – then its done.
Then Dad again goes to president of bank.
He asked – appoint my son the COO of the world bank.
Him – Never
Dad: – He is the son in law of World's richest man.
Him – then its fine.

THIS IS Smartness...!!

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The only thing our students want to hear from you, sir, is how to engineer jobs in the current market!

*****

Boss:

The virus means business. It wants us to send online secure payment to leave our system.

I chose a wrong mentor - what about you?

The golden rule of work is that the bosses jokes are ALWAYS funny.

Interpretation: It is true when your boss shares something witty, you must laugh otherwise he might feel insulted and your promotion can be stopped. So whether they are funny or not, everyone laughs at them.

Employee : Boss, you called me?
Boss : Yes, go to home and make love with your wife.
Employee : (After an hour) ,done sir
Boss : Do it again.
Employee : Done again, sir.
Boss : Do it once more
Employee : Now I don't have
stamina for it, sir.
Boss : Very good,here are my car
keys, drop my daughter at home.

Explanation: What a smart and proactive boss. He is so doubtful about his employee or daughter that he makes his worker to tried before sending his daughter with him. But anyhow it was a funny experience. Isn't it?

A pregnant lady asked her Sir if she could have the day off because she wasn't feeling fine. He tells her the only way she is leaving work is if she starts her contractions. So she yells "shouldn't, couldn't, Can't, didn't, won't, wouldn't!"

Some Funny Jokes

Some Funny Jokes

Some Funny Jokes

Some Funny Jokes

Some Funny Jokes

Some Funny Jokes

Some Funny Jokes

Some Funny Jokes

Some Funny Jokes

Some Funny Jokes

Some Funny Jokes

Funny Joke Of The Day

Funny Joke Of The Day Biography

Source Link (Google.com)
A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?" A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?" Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls. Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband. "What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says "I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here."

It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. "No" says the neighbor. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?" The neighbor says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married." "Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. That's terrible... But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head. "No,” he says. “They're all at the funeral."

A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scout. "This dog can speak English," he claims to the unimpressed agent. "Okay, Sport," the guys says to the dog, "what’s on the top of a house?" "Roof!" the dog replies. "Oh, come on..." the talent agent responds. "All dogs go ‘roof’." "No, wait," the guy says. He asks the dog "what does sandpaper feel like?" "Rough!" the dog answers. The talent agent gives a condescending blank stare. He is losing his patience. "No, hang on," the guy says. "This one will amaze you. " He turns and asks the dog: "Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?" "Ruth!" goes the dog. And the talent scout, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street. And the dog turns to the guy and says "Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?"

Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. "I’ll go into town for a doctor," the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town’s only doctor, who is delivering a baby. "I can’t leave," the doctor says. ‘But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground." The guy ruins back to his friend, who is in agony. ‘What did the doctor say?" the victim asks. "He says you’re gonna die."

Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest boy what he’d like to eat. "I’ll have some fuckin’ French toast," he says. The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants. "Well, I guess that leaves more fuckin’ French toast for me," he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. "I don’t know," he says meekly, "but I definitely don’t want the fuckin’ French toast."

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says "What the hell was that all about?"

Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guys drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guys says, "What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear." "I don't need to outrun the bear," the first guy says. "I just need to outrun you."

A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words." The guy replies, "Hey, why not?" He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: "Paint…my…house."

A guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one to spend eternity in. In the first room, people are standing in shit up to their necks. The guy says "no, let me see the next room." In the second room, people are standing with shit up to their noses. Guy says no again. Finally, Satan opens the door to the third room. People are standing with shit up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating danish pastries. The guy says, "I pick this room." Satan says okay and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee. On the way out Satan yells, "O.K., coffee break's over. Everyone back on your heads!"

On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they’ll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.. Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, "What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob." All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says "Don’t forget the coffee!"

A guy enters a bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, "Here’s a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks." The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It's a woman. "I'll give it a try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. "Well, there's so much to live for!" "Like what?" "Well... are you religious?" He said yes. I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?" "Christian." "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant ? "Protestant." "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?" "Baptist" "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?" "Baptist Church of God!" "Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you reformed Baptist Church of God?" "Reformed Baptist Church of God!" "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off. (Emo Philips)

My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather. (Jackie Mason)

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That’s not surprising," the elders say. "You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here."

Last night I went to a 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He goes: "Not in a row!" (Steven Wright)

I went to the psychiatrist, and he says "You're crazy." I tell him I want a second opinion. He says, "Okay, you're ugly too!" (Rodney Dangerfield)

A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells "You should have been here at 8:30!" he replies: "Why? What happened at 8:30?"

Saul is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above: "Saul, sell your business." He ignores it. It goes on for days. "Saul, sell your business for $3 million." After weeks of this, he relents, sells his store. The voice says ‘Saul, go to Las Vegas." He asks why. "Saul, take the $3 million to Las Vegas." He obeys, goes to a casino. Voice says, "Saul , go to the blackjack table and put it down all on one hand." He hesitates but knows he must. He’s dealt an 18. The dealer has a six showing. "Saul, take a card." What? The dealer has -- "Take a card!" He tells the dealer to hit him. Saul gets an ace. Nineteen. He breathes easy. "Saul, take another card." What? "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!" He asks for another card. It’s another ace. He has twenty. "Saul, take another card," the voice commands. I have twenty! Saul shouts. "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!!" booms the voice. Hit me,Saul says. He gets another ace. Twenty one. The booming voice goes: "un-fucking-believable!"

Funny Joke Of The Day

Funny Joke Of The Day

Funny Joke Of The Day

Funny Joke Of The Day

Funny Joke Of The Day

Funny Joke Of The Day

Funny Joke Of The Day

Funny Joke Of The Day

Funny Joke Of The Day

Funny Joke Of The Day

Funny Joke Of The Day

Funny Joke

Funny Joke Biography

Source Link (Google.com)
A joke about a male bus passenger insulting a woman's ugly baby has been voted the funniest gag ever told. Researchers examined more than 1,000 jokes before whittling them down to a final 50 and getting 36,000 people to vote for their favourites. Source: Onepoll.com

Comedy genius Tommy Cooper had by far the most jokes in the list, which also includes gags by Peter Kay and Lee Evans.

Jokes ranged from the legendary one-liner about a zoo with just one dog being a 'shitzu' - to ones about wives, husbands, blondes and foreigners.

The study was carried out after Tim Vine's joke "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again." was voted the best of this year's Edinburgh Fringe Festival.

A spokesman for OnePoll, which carried out the research, said: "The majority of these jokes are clean and genuinely funny - but a lot are pretty subjective and what one person finds hilarious, someone else may not.

"It's nice to see jokes from the greats like Tommy Cooper and Les Dawson are still up there and the ugly baby tale is a worthy winner.

"Many of the jokes in the list are fairly timeless and will still be making people chuckle in thirty years or more."TOP 50 JOKES OF ALL TIME

1.  A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''

2.  ''I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.''

3.  ''Dyslexic man walks into a bra''

4.  A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''

5.  A classic Tommy Cooper gag ''I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?'' He said, ''How flexible are you?'' I said, ''I can't make Tuesdays'', was fifth.

6.  Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.        

7.  Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married.  The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.          

8.  Another one was:  Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked.  'It's not unusual' he replied.  

9. I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.      

10.  A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: ''Pint please, and one for the road.''        

11.  I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.

12.  My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.  

13.  I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, ''He's trying to pull a fast one''.        

14.  A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ''But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.''  

15.  There's two fish in a tank, and one says ''How do you drive this thing?''          

16.  I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

17.  When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: ''I love the simple things in life, but I don't want one of them for my husband''.

18.  ''My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.''      

19.   I rang up British Telecom, I said, ''I want to report a nuisance caller'', he said ''Not you again''.

20.   I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.          

21.   A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says ''I'll serve you, but don't start anything''

22.  Slept like a log last night........ Woke up in the fireplace.      

23.  A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, ''Is this some kind of joke?''

24.  A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says ''Sorry we don't serve food in here''    

25.  The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said ''Did you get my drift?''.

26.   I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.    

27.  Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.

28.  A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. ''But why?'' they asked, as they moved off. ''because,'' he said ''I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.''

29.   I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, ''Are you two an item?''

30.   I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.          

31.  So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says ''Your eyes sparkle like diamonds''. I said, ''Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck''.

32.  Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says ''Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here''      

33.  I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

34.  There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

35.  I went down the local supermarket, I said, ''I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it'', he said, "Those are pickled onions''.          

36.  I backed a horse last week at ten to one.  It came in at quarter past four.      

37.   I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said ''may contain nuts.'' Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for! You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!''        

38.   A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, What a turtle disaster  

39.  My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, ''Who's that calling at this time?' ''I don't know! If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!''  

40.  I said to this train driver ''I want to go to Paris". He said ''Eurostar?'' I said, ''I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin''.

41.   Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.    

42.  I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.        

43.  You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.  

44.  A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: ''I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.''

45.   I tried water polo but my horse drowned.    

46.   I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

47.   So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray.

48.   Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.          

49.  A seal walks into a club...

50.   I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for flu'. So I went  -  and I got it.

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Clean Funny Jokes

Clean Funny Jokes Biography

Source Link (google.com)
Q: Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
A: Because he felt crummy

Q: Why did Johnny throw the clock out of the window?
A: Because he wanted to see time fly!

Q: Why was the baby strawberry crying?
A: Because his mom and dad were in a jam.

Q: What do lawyers wear to court?
A: Lawsuits!

Q: What did one toilet say to the other toilet?
A: You look flushed

Q: Why is there a gate around cemetaries?
A: Because people are dying to get in!

Q: Why wouldn't the shrimp share his treasure?
A: Because he was a little shellfish

Q: What do you call a fake noodle?
A: An impasta
Q: What lights up a soccer stadium?
A: A soccer match
Q: Why shouldn't you write with a broken pencil?
A: Because it's pointless.

Q: Why did the man put his money in the freezer?
A: He wanted cold hard cash!
Q: What do call cheese that isn't yours?
A: Nacho Cheese
Q: What do you call four bullfighters standing in quicksand?
A: Quattro Sinko
Q: What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A: A nervous wreck
Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A: Frostbite
Q: What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
A: Remorse code.
Q: Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?
A: It was two-tired!
Q: Why did the barber win the race?
A: Because he took a short cut.
Q: When does Friday come before Thursday?
A: In the dictionary
Q: How do crazy people go through the forest?
A: They take the psycho path.
Q: What kind of bird sticks to sweaters?
A: a Vel-Crow
Q: Where do boats go when they get sick?
A: The dock
Q: What pet makes the loudest noise?
A: A trum-pet!
Q: What's easy to get into but hard to get out of?
A: Trouble
Q: What do you call two fat people having a chat?
A: A heavy discussion
Q: What dog keeps the best time?
A: A watch dog
Q: What kind of crackers do firemen like in their soup?
A: Firecrackers!
Q: What did the digital clock say to the grandfather clock?
A: Look grandpa, no hands!
Q: What is an astronaut's favorite place on a computer?
A: The Space bar!
Q: Which month do soldiers hate most?
A: The month of March!
Q: What runs but doesn't get anywhere?
A: A refrigerator
Q: Why did the scarecrow win an award?
A: Because he was out-standing in his field.
Q: Which is the longest word in the dictionary?
A: "Smiles", because there is a mile between each 's'
Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
A: Because the chicken joke wasn't invented yet.
Q: Why couldn't dracula's wife get to sleep?
A: Because of his coffin.
Q: What did the worker at the rubber band factory say when he lost his job?
A: Oh Snap!
Q: What did one hat say to another?
A: You stay here, I'll go on a head
Q: What did the elder chimney say to the younger chimney?
A: You're too young to smoke!
Q. What did the lawyer name his daughter?
A. Sue
Q. What did the cat say after eating two robins lying in the sun?
A. I just love baskin' robins.
Q: Why does a Moon-rock taste better than an Earth-rock?
A: Because it's a little meteor
Q: Why is Peter Pan always flying?
A: He neverlands!
Q: Why did the picture go to jail?
A: Because it was framed!

Q: What do you call an alligator in a vest?
A: An Investigator
Q: What stays in the corner and travels all over the world?
A: A stamp
Q: What kind of key opens a banana?
A: A monkey!
Q: What do you call a guy who never farts in public?
A: A private tutor
Q: Why did the hipster burn his tongue with his pizza?
A: He ate it before it was cool!
Q: What did the tree say to the wind?
A: Leaf me alone!
Q: What did the horse say when he fell?
A: Help, I've fallen and I can't giddy up!
Q: What happens when the smog lifts over Los Angeles?
A: UCLA
Q: Which U.S. State has the smallest soft drinks?
A: Mini-soda
Q: Why did the stadium get hot after the game?
A: All of the fans left
Q: What did the duck say to the bartender?
A: Put it on my bill
Q: How does a squid go into battle?
A: Well Armed
Q: What kind of tea is hard to swallow?
A: Reality
Q: What did the Time Traveler do when he was still hungry after his last bite?
A: He went back four seconds.
Q: What do you call an unpredictable, out of control photographer?
A: A loose Canon.
Q: Did you hear about the sensitive burglar?
A: He takes things personally.
Q: Did the disappointed smoker get everything he wanted for Christmas?
A: Clothes, but no cigar.
Q: What do you call the sound a dog makes when it's choking on a piece of its owner's jewelry?
A: A diamond in the ruff.
Q: What do you call the heavy breathing someone makes while trying to hold a yoga pose?
A: Yoga pants.
Q: How do you impress a baker when you're taking his daughter on a date?
A: Bring her flours.
Q: Why did the yogurt go to the art exhibit?
A: Because it was cultured.
Q: What do you call a fat psychic?
A: A four chin teller
Q: Why did the tomato turn red?
A: Because it saw the salad dressing!
Q: Why did the can crusher quit his job?
A: Because it was soda pressing.
Q: What do bees do if they want to use public transport?
A: Wait at a buzz stop!
Q: What did the fashion police officer say to his sweater?
A: "Do you know why I pulled you over?"
Q: What do you call a group of unorganized cats?
A: A Cat-astrophe
Q: Why did the frog take the bus to work?
A: His car got toad.
Q: What is the difference between a dressmaker and a farmer?
A: A dressmaker sews what she gathers, a farmer gathers what he sows.
Q: What do you give to a sick lemon?
A: Lemon aid!
Q: What do they call cans in Mexico?
A: Mexi-cans
Q: What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college?
A: Bison
Q: How do most frogs die?
A: They kermit suicide!
Q: Why did the elephants get kicked out of the public pool?
A: They kept dropping their trunks.
Q: What's the most musical part of a chicken?
A: The drumstick

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